No One Tells You

I don't want to be gross, but there is a lot that happens during labor and post labor that No One, not even my mother, told me about. The second time around doesn't make it any better. Now some women have it worse and some ( like my best friend) have it better. I am going to venture into the unspeakable and share some things that happen. 

1. No matter how much cocoa butter or bio oil you smear all over yourself, if you are destined to get stretch marks you will; Nothing can stop it. 

     * I use to have a relatively in shape stomach and wore a belly ring... Now my belly is stretched out and looks like a road map- gross. I mourn over the Victoria Secret bikinis I'll never wear again.

2. Your stomach goes down a bit directly after labor, but you will be in maternity pants for several months. (Unless your a lucky bitch and are super model skinny right after but usually it's because you were super model skinny before) with my first I was in maternity pants for 8 months and than a few sizes larger than my normal size after that. It took me over a year to feel decent about myself and I still never went back the way I was. 

3. An epideral is a catheter, not a needle. I am no martyr... The epideral makes labor so much more doable. However, I thought that it was a huge needle that went into your back- not true. First they numb your back with a couple big needles and those can pinch a bit or hurt depending on how good the doctor is doing the shots. The actual epideral is a catheter( long wire pretty much) that goes into you and stays there during labor and they pull it out after labor. 

4. If your water doesn't break before you get to the hospital, it will when you get there or they will break it for you. It will gush out and continue to trickle or gush the entire time you lay in bed. When you sit up to get the epideral, it may even pour all over the floor- so gross. The nurses are use to it, but it doesn't make it any better. They put these amazingly absorbent pads underneath you and change them out when they get saturated. They also wipe you like a baby. To clean you off. 

5. You will bleed( especially with your first) for weeks. With my first I bled for almost the full 6 weeks. This time, by 3 weeks, it trickled off. But you have to wear enormous pads and it just makes you feel so gross. They give you a squirt bottle to wash with when you go to the bathroom. They give you a spray to help if you tear and need stitches too. Going to the bathroom is such a process. In fact, 

     * they put a small bucket in the toilet and it catches your first 3 bathroom trips. Yes, so disgusting! You have to tell the nurse and they look at your bloody pee and they empty the bucket. You can't shower or have your IV removed until you have utinated 3 times( at least that happened to me) eeeww. 

6. One of the more painful post partum symptoms for me... Hemorrhoids! I had no idea what they even were until I had my first. You push so hard during labor that the veins around your butt get engorged and stick out. The most disgusting thing ever. If you look down there, it looks like 3 or 4 peanuts around your butt. It feels like rocks down there and it hurts to sit and walk. They give you Tucks pads and an ointment but it really doesn't  help.  Then, at home, you might want to drink gallons of water, take fiber AND stool softeners, not laxatives, softeners because it will hurt to go to the bathroom. Any straining at all will cause them to flame up worst. They eventually will hurt less and then start to go down. You can get them after baby if you push too hard to go to the bathroom later on. It's horrible!

Well, if you read all this and don't want to have kids, please don't think that way. Just consider yourself more prepared. You may be lucky and not have any of this, but I wish someone would have told me about this.

Oh, one more thing. Once you experience all or a few of the things above, there is one phrase people will say that will send you into murderous anger.... "But, it's all worth it." Yes, it clearly is, but that is not what you want to hear at all! Why does having a cute bundle of joy mean that your once tight body has to droop and sag- it's not fair. And although you will go through it all again to have more children that doesn't mean you need to be told this very obnoxious phrase. Good luck and try not to punch the person who tells you this with your post baby hormones.